But I Don't WANT to Have That Conversation! Managing Conflict and Confrontation in the Workplace
For years the very thought of entering into a difficult conversation caused my face to flush, heart race and thinking to become about as clear as a mud puddle. It was always painful to carry (like a ball and chain) the misunderstanding, or feeling of being disrespected or let down. And then isn't it awful to be around that person you needed to confront about a performance problem or other complaint. There is nothing more distracting than that 'elephant' in the room? I lose. They lose. Our relationship suffers. And in work environments this can have a very negative impact on the bottom line.
And yet, I found I would prefer ALL of that pain and suffering over confronting the problem. And I thought, 'how sick is that?' and wondered 'how sick might it actually make me?' And still, it would feel too scary to take that step.
There are many reasons for developing a fear of conflict. Whatever the cause, we know that this fear can damage relationships. Where has it shown up for you and, what has been the impact? What would it be like to easily engage in these conversations? And how do we move past the painful paralysis caused by this fear of conflict, confrontation or simply letting our needs be known?
My process for overcoming this obstacle began with asking myself 'What is the worst that could happen?' This simple question is a great reality check for me. Those nagging voices in my head sometimes want me to believe a catastrophe is at hand. They would tell me that if I spoke my mind, shared my feelings or ask for what I want, someone would get really angry with me and that would be life shattering. When I check in with, 'what is the worst that could happen?' I realize there are no grounds for this type of thinking.
Opportunities to challenge this fear happen almost daily. As a manager, I would often have staff come to me complaining about someone's behavior. It is great when you can get this individual to manage the situation themselves; however, intervention is often required. On any given day, I might also need to inform an employee of a performance issue. I always found this easier if it was something I personally witnessed. There are essentially four areas of conflict managers' face with employees:
Individual Performance - tardiness, meeting participation, organization, timeliness
Professional Development - training and learning to stay current in one's craft, compliance with company policies and procedures, customer service, work related goals
Work Performance - meeting deadlines, quality output, meeting general expectations, exceeding expectations, errors/mistakes, process management, supervisory responsibilities
Work Relationships and Communication - understanding of the work culture, courtesy and politeness, engaging in appropriate conversations, attitude with others, demeanor, effective communication verbally and via email, managing conflict Whether the issue is large or small, the critical need in preserving and building business, work and personal relationships outweighs our desire to avoid personal discomfort. When a pending conflict, difficult conversation or desire to express your needs or feelings brings out the child in us (wanting to hide and stay safe), the adult in us can take control with a few simple steps.
Inner Thoughts: Check in on those sabotaging thoughts. Are you making a mountain out of mole hill? Has your imagination gone over the edge? Are you needlessly comparing this event to a past event? Change those thoughts and get back on the reality track. Use your strengths to support you. If you know you do better writing out your thoughts first, go ahead. Then have that conversation. If it works better for you to talk it over and practice with a someone you trust, do it.
Look at your attitude.
Get Curious: Can you suspend all judgment for the moment? What if you decided to become completely curious? How then might you approach the situation? How does that change your energy?
Decide to not be right: This is critical to a successful conversation. Your investment in being right means you cannot suspend judgment and be curious and the other person will have no choice but to defend their position in the matter.
Ask open ended questions such as:
'What happened from your perspective?' 'Tell me more about that.' 'What are your thoughts about that?'
Feelings: Respect the other person's feelings if they express them. Never tell them they are wrong to feel that way. Just accept it as their truth and try to understand.
Identity: Recognize and acknowledge the importance of the situation to who each of you are and how you want the world to view you.
Us against the problem: Join together as a team to solve the problem, learn from the situation and strategize for the future. You don't have to suffer the consequences of avoidance or reacting out of defensiveness. The price is just too high. Use these steps to practice a new way. Practice and practice some more. Each time it will become easier and more rewarding. If you fall back into old patterns of behavior, don't beat yourself up about it. Own it, ask for a do-over, learn from it and keep practicing. You won't regret it. Your relationships will grow and you will enjoy a life of integrity that allows you to sleep well. I don't know about you but I find it very difficult to relax and be myself with all those 'elephants' in the room.
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